A Hint of Peace and Where all This Began

Day 5 - 10/24/10 8:49pm

      My mornings are my times of uneasiness and writing is how I am trying to handle it which is why some of these posts are hard for even me to follow with the recapping and what not... But, Matt and I are trying to use this page with a dual purpose of keeping those that are supporting us informed while doubling as my outlet.  We think it's easier just to get it out here instead of trying to explain what we really don't know on numerous occasions.

      With that said, today was a day that we needed more than we could ever have known.  It was my first glimpse of peace within our storm and our first experience at sharing what we are working on accepting.  We are blessed beyond measure with a church family who have accepted our request for their prayers and lovingly respected our uncertainty.  Everything from the worship music, to the Sunday School Lesson, to our phenomenal Pastor's message helped in pushing us towards our first hint of peace. And though I am certain that this journey will oscillate in the most extreme range of emotions we will take any amount of peace, by any means, for any amount of time that we can...

       I have been holding off talking about the day this all began in part because... I don't want to think about it (although that is really one of my most consuming thoughts) and thinking it would be "easier" later on.  I know now that is not true, so I will give it my best shot and feel sustained by moving on...

       I had been scheduled for an ultrasound with a specialist after Eli's belly had measured a tad small at my last OB ultrasound.  Frankly, I felt as though I was a pro at this specialist idea because with my other two pregnancies I frequented them from 20 weeks on, just to keep an eye on things.  I had no reason to presume this would be ANY different.  The day before, I had gotten a text about having a great friend of mine go with me if I wanted her to, and originally I didn't want to bother anyone and said "thanks, but it's no big deal..." I later decided it was such a nice offer; I should just take her up on it... I had no idea how important that decision would be.  We arrived in plenty of time and I filled out the mounds of paperwork as lighthearted as ever.  They called me back and I laughed and joked with the tech and we even chatted about how great Eli was looking.  She took all the typical measurements that I had recalled with Gabe and Taylor and told me Eli was growing right on track... After she had finished, she told me that the Doctor may want to look again, which is very typical, so not to get cleaned up yet.  I knew from earlier visits that the Doctor ALWAYS looked again so I sensed nothing out of the ordinary.  The tech re-entered and said she needed a couple more shots.  These were different than I remembered, but still, I thought nothing of it.  She scanned his heart, his aorta, his humorous, his index finger and a couple other things... I just simply enjoyed the time of looking at my precious baby...

Shortly after, Dr. H. entered and sat down... She said his growth looked right on track and I nearly got up to get my stuff, but was stopped by the question, "Is it ok if I share information in front of your friend?"  This was the first thing I didn't recognize.  She went on to say something that included words such as "brain"... "fluid"... "shunt"... "shouldn't be there"... and some others that I have literally blocked out or refuse to use at this point...

       

I can't/won't/don't have to explain the scene that followed on that table. I, somehow during that time, realized that I wasn't supposed to have even been there since his tummy was a fluke and looked fine... I realized that no one was supposed to have come with me that day but by a strange turn of events a God-send had accompanied me.  I realized that God was in this but I had no kind words for Him at that point.  I didn't want to be the special parents or the chosen one for this situation... I just wanted the situation to go away (and still do constantly).  Matt met me and I had no words for him just brokenness as I sat with a medical book trying to understand this situation which continued to be almost out of body.  We were informed by the doctor that with an amniocentesis that resulted as "normal" we would have better care for out little Eli. In a more rational state, we can't believe this was presented to us as such, but at the time that is all we had to hear to agree, and so the day got even worse.

       

They performed the amnio within an hour of us receiving the news... that was one of the scariest things I have ever done in my entire life... and if given the opportunity to choose again, we would have declined... Because now we are thinking with our hearts and with some sense of God's peace and we know that NOTHING will change our fight and our love for beautiful baby Eli.  No information they can tell us will keep this Mama and Daddy from making SURE Eli is in the best hands and it certainly won't change our joy to know he is only 5 weeks away...

        

It was the worst day of my life, and regardless of the outcome of this journey and these tests and doctor's visits... I will never be the same because of it...

Thank you for reading about our Eli and for the time and thought you have already invested... Above all my cry is for everyone who comes across this to pray for him...That his brain is complete, that the fluid will reside, and that a miracle is as certain today as in the days of the prophet himself.

        We will keep you posted as we work through this journey and visit his neurosurgeon, neonatologist, receive the amnio results, and see him again in no more than 3 weeks for an updated ultrasound....