It is Good To Remember...

Not To Be Forgotten, A Note To Myself...

An excerpt from my post a year and a half ago... He knew I would need this again...

"I wanted to write this before we move any further in our Journey because I will need a reminder of this day and this understanding. I am fearful that I will either forget or I will not want to accept this truth… be it this week, this year, or simply at some time in this life. I do not want to be humbled to this point again, ever. I want to remember, to hold strong, and to maintain this truth.

 

Faith is not a bargain or a deal. I have struggled with this because in the deepest recesses of my heart I want to say, “Lord if you will just... make this go away, heal Eli, make this miracle known… Then I will... tell the world, never doubt you, trust you, love you, be faithful to you” but where does that leave room for His Plan and His Will and our relationship if my way is not His? The conditions MUST be removed if I am to call this Faith. It cannot be “If YOU will… then I will” because what if not? It must be “Regardless of Your Will… I will” conditions removed create unconditional. That is what we as humans long for from our own, so how much greater must our Maker yearn for that from us.

If Gabe came to me and said, “Mom, I know you’ve done so many things for me. You’ve loved me, you’ve provided for me, you’ve sacrificed for me, you’ve cried tears I will never understand… for me (and I have)…and I want to love you because you’ve been great… But I need you to do this for me. I’m not sure if it’s what’s best for me, but if you don’t do it… I’m not sure I can trust you anymore, or love you anymore, or have faith that you will be there for me… Nothing I have for you will be unconditional…” I would be devastated. I would love him No less ,but I would ache for his unconditional trust and love. And if I knew that his request was not what was best for him I would deny it and pray for his quick understanding and return to my arms, all the while broken hearted as I watched.

Of the few things I have given to my son, I have given nothing in comparison to His gift of His Son… To know the hurt I would feel and the patience I would have with my own is incomparable to what He will feel and have for me… is gut-wrenching. To think that I hardly know how not to bargain my faith because I want what I think is best, what is the easiest, and to be in control… has broken me to a point not to be forgotten. It is as though there is a second part of salvation that no one made me aware of. You reach out and you accept His invitation and put away your past and you think that you have laid it all down, but that is only because at that moment things seem to be going right. You feel loved, and accepted, and part of something bigger than before… and you ARE… but that is only the beginning. You walk through some trials and you have pity for yourself. Sometimes you cry out to God but for the most part you are in control of the outcomes and if you put enough “work” into the problem the result is usually a “fix.” Sometimes you offer God some of the Glory and say your “faith” got you through, but you know truly that is was YOU who did the work and YOU who overcame and your “faith” was really in you… because look around , all is becoming well, who couldn’t see the “faith” in that.

And then that day comes… That day that you realize you never thought about the other side of your deal. That part about, if this doesn’t go the way it should, if an alternative is not there, if we don’t come out of this on the high ground… If HIS Will is NOT what is “best” for you. Then where is your faith, then where is His Glory? It wasn’t all fake before, but it wasn’t all laid out either. You still had a few cards hidden away you weren’t willing to play, because THAT is something different. THAT is FAITH.

As I write this from a place of strength at this specific moment I can still see about a half card that I am hiding in my sleeve… I have laid nearly ALL of them out, more than ever before in my life, but this one seems to be stuck, no matter how hard I insist I want it out. What’s keeping it there? Don’t you already know? It’s F E A R… fear that this won’t go the way I WANT it to. Fear, because there is no doubt that I have NO CONTROL in this. Fear, because I am committing this situation, my son, to the Lord and I do NOT know what the outcome will be. I DO know however, that He is my Father in heaven, and just as a child I trusted my own dad and would have jumped into darkness at the beckon of his call knowing his hands would be there with endless comfort… How much more than do I know that my Heavenly Father will be there and how much more than do I know that He will comfort me and how much more than should I trust Him.  I can’t imagine where I am standing right now; my perspective doesn’t allow me that view. But He knows, He is calling, and at this moment I am ready to go.

I don’t know that even tomorrow I won’t be scrambling to recant this or to get that card back in my sleeve. I do know I will not always be this sure and this filled. So, as Not To Be Forgotten, I am hoping that when my fear is too great or when I am too busy in my own “faith” of the best of times, I can re-read this and remember the discipline to Stop, to hear HIM, and to Jump recklessly in His direction…

Publishing this post will be the hardest one yet. Eli's MRI is this afternoon and a lot of questions will be cleared up, though many will remain. I will re-read this many times I'm sure, and I pray for our strength to last. Please continue to pray that God will send down Fire and heal Eli... However, pray also, regardless of the "results" that all of our cards will be laid out and fear will be overrun by FAITH...

Jeremiah 29:11 (New International Version)

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.""



Eli's First Haircut

Although I was head over heels for this baby's beautiful curls, at 15 months old the time for "She is so beautiful!" had to come to an end. :) His curls were causing an identity crisis and I knew inevitably that this day had to happen so a random Saturday served its purpose well. He was AWESOME! I have pictures from Gabe's first haircut and he cried the entire time! Eli was happy as could be and was SO handsome afterwards... He is growing up faster than I care to take note of. In the mean time I am trying to soak in every single second of every single day...

(By the way, He still has plenty of curls to play with, praying he keeps them for good!!)

BEFORE...

After...

Taylor is 5!

My Beautiful Baby Girl Is 5 Already!

 

 

 We celebrated Taylor's birthday with the best of family and friends and ended the day with a trip to Build-A-Bear Worship in Macon.  We are so grateful for those that celebrated with us and Taylor had a  GREAT day! She is very much into animals hince the dalmation party and the kitty at build-a-"Bear" so we had a small in the month for her... ;)

 

 

I think it would be safe to say that Taylor LOVES Ms. Kristy's cakes!! (and so does everyone else ;)

 

 

Crazy Girl!!

 

~ Christmas and Winter Fun ~

I'll let the pictures do the talking... Needless to say we had an AWESOME winter/Christmas Break!!

WE ARE BLESSED! :)

Elijah Jefferson Mundok is One!!

This past year has gone by at a speed that is barely fathomable.  It has been filled with constant moments of humility and gratefulness.  My baby boy was a little under the weather for his party but toughed it out and had a great time.  As I came here to post this I found myself "thumbing" through posts from the year before... I suppose my reflections on those days will always bring tears to my eyes and even pull me to my knees. It is almost as if it were all a bad dream as I sit here and type this today.  But, I can read and I remember and I know it was all so very real.  "My God is Greater, My God is Stronger, God You are Higher than any other... My God is Healer, Awesome and Power..."  These lyrics are the anthem of our lives.  Before he was even born my sweet Elijah began his testimony with the Lord.  And though I thought my heart would break in a million pieces at any moment, I wouldn't have had it any other way now... I found a post that I had done last year and it was a reminder for myself... The Lord knew I would need one...

"Not To Be Forgotten, A Note To Myself"

I will NEVER forget... Happy Birthday Baby Boy

~ Fall Fun ~

This year the kids had a chance to go to the State Fair. To say that they had fun is an understatement! This was the kids first time at ANY fair and this one was huge! Hanging out with PaPa and Granny is always fun but we were excited to have Megan, Ross, Katie, Bill, Clay, Cooper, and Charlie with us as well. It was lots of fun and we are all excited about going again next year. :)

Halloween was a bit different this year.  We made our costumes from stuff we found around the house. :) The kids really enjoyed it and it was nice to not spend a fortune on something they use once.  I do however somewhat regret making poor Eli dress up as that silly bumble bee. He looks SO much like a little girl and he couldn't even defend himself! Not to mention he hated it :) Taylor was a cross between a Kitten and a Ballerina, which is what i think she wants to grow up to be as well. And Gabe was a motor cross rider.  We were lucky enough to have a chance to trick-or-treat in Ron and Kristy's neighborhood.  They had a great time if you can't tell from the smiles! Ms Kristy even had goody bags and cupcakes ready for them when we got there! :)

This is Grace...

One year ago today, almost to the very moment, I sat in a waiting room filled with mommies-to-be just like myself. Some anxious with the fear painfully seared in their expressions... Some joyful as they left with the news they had been hoping for. Most of us, were just sort of there, rubbing our precious bellies, anticipating the wait to be over and pretending as if our fears didn't really exist. Each of us would not have been in that office had there not been some area of concern with either ourselves or our unborn baby, and still, I managed to shrug off the potential seriousness of my surroundings. I had a history with this practice; I knew how this whole situation worked. I had two other babies that had to be monitored but nothing ever came of any of these visits... just little healthy babies.

On the morning of October 20th, 2010, my dear friend and I sat anxious to see pictures of the precious baby boy that had been growing inside of me for the last 34 1/2 weeks. I could have had no warning or preparation for the news I would receive in the next hour. The baby that I had so recklessly fallen in love with and dreamed of meeting would suddenly be replaced with the idea of something that didn't seem to belong to me. After marveling at the beauty of such miraculous life inside of me... Watching him move his fingers and stretch his toes... Watching him practice breathing and giving him a pep talk for what great work he was doing, I was fairly certain I had caught a little grin through that amazing picture on the screen. And then... Out of nowhere, without a single foreshadowing moment, I was told that my perfect baby boy had an area of darkness in his brain because a very important piece of it was missing. The words from the Dr continued in an attempt to help me understand that this finding went along with the extra fluid that had collected at the base of his brain and the dilation that was clearly evident in his ventricles...

I don't remember the one thought or what exactly went through my mind at that moment... About a million thoughts I’m sure, but all that escaped my body was a rush of fear and a broken, sobbing, resemblance of myself sat on that table. I know that many of the thoughts I do remember having may sound harsh but they are the truth... I didn't want to be the special parent... I didn't want God or anyone for that matter to think that I was smart enough or kind enough or loving enough to handle this situation. The baby that I had been dreaming of vanished almost instantly from my mind and this vague slideshow of possibilities began to circulate as a replacement... I didn't know if he would walk, or talk, or look "normal"... I didn't know if my first moments of time with him would include him being rushed away or having his tiny little body cut into and tubes placed in his brain... I didn't know if we would be purchasing special car seats and special wheelchairs... what kind of school we would have to find, and where we would get the money for all of this and how I would care for a child for the rest of my life... How I would answer to all those that said our family was just fine with my first two beautiful babies, "should have left well enough alone..." I could not imagine why God had done this to ME... Everything in those moments was about ME... Some may say, I had a right to be so self-centered due to the shocking news, but it's ok to call it what it is, I was only thinking about myself, not my baby, and certainly not My God. What few thoughts I had towards God were pure anger. Fear had already begun to control me...

The Lord had given me a God-Send that day and she helped me to focus, made me think about my baby once more, and my vision slowly began to change. That night I began making peace with God and it would take the next few days for me to come to terms with the situation, BUT I have never experienced such peace in my entire life. I felt like the world had been lifted from my shoulders and that I could take on ANYthing that dared cross my path. Matt and I found a closeness that cannot be explained and we surrendered our unborn child to God and began putting the old pieces of our life into our new perspective. God's Glory has never shown so bright in our lives as in those dark days, and such it seems are His ways ;)

There were plenty of moments spent broken down in the shower or while listening to a song on the radio but each and everyone was conquered by His Peace and truth that He gave to us... He helped me to work through my fears and begin to re-introduce myself to my precious baby. I now saw my Elijah as God's baby that I would have the honor of mothering, no matter what that entailed, while he was here on this earth. I knew that God had made him perfect and that none of my sadness and disappointments were going to change whatever plan the Lord had for each of our lives, and only He could know how it must be.

Matt Hammit, The lead singer of Sanctus Real, had an encounter with his unborn son, baby Bowen J, that lead him to create an album that was only recently released. But I listened to many of his songs from his blog while he was writing them and found great comfort in his honest testimony of fear and uncertainty. I identified with SO many of his feelings. He will never know the closeness that he helped me feel with the Lord, but whomever may be reading this, I want you to know that whatever story God has given you, it is yours for a reason. Go and be His light and voice even if you think no one is listening. Because though you may not know those that you touch, they just may come to know Him, and there can be no greater reward that I can think of.

My sweet baby Eli has been sick for the last couple of weeks and my happy smiling boy has been fussy while fighting teeth, and a cold, and who knows what else. And though there are nights when I don't sleep and moments I’m ready for his daddy to be home ;), I count each one as gain. Every lost hour in the night, every precious kiss I place on his forehead, every outing I have to miss, and every smile I am blessed to see... In every single day I am reminded of what God can do. One year later, my precious baby is lying in his crib sound asleep. Every piece of his brain is intact and the fluid has resided. He can babble, he can crawl, he can almost walk, and he speaks to my heart with every smile. He is truly our Miracle Baby. Life has gotten busy and there are moments when His Greatness has fallen to the back of my mind but I will forever remember that day and make a point to remind myself that it was real. Because even though our hopes and dreams fell into the will that He had for us this time, there will always be moments where we must let go in faith and trust the One who made us for Himself. Knowing that we are His children and All that He does, in ways we may not understand, is to bring us closer to Him in His Fullness and Love and Peace... And I for one can tell you that once you are there, on this side of heaven, there is no greater place to be.

~Much Love to each of you and thanks for your prayers and love to our family

   Brittany

Gabriel Martin is 6 Years Old!!

Gabe celebrated his 6th Birthday!!! I can honestly say that the cliché is so very true, I do NOT know where the time has gone. We stay so busy these days and are really caught up in the many of the joys of life. Through it all, God has been so faithful to provide us all along with exactly what we have needed. I can hardly believe the transformation that my sweet baby boy is making right in front of my eyes. I can already see the beginnings of a beautiful young man starting to show :)

Thank you to everyone who helps us to celebrate and love on our special "baby" boy... We love each of you so very much!!