Finding Some Words and Praying Specifically

           My words have been hard to come by lately simply because I can’t keep straight WHAT I am feeling or WHAT is actually going on.  On top of the fact that life must go on and there have been a million other “regular” things to get done for Halloween, and school, and just around the house.  But, we do have some specific prayer requests as we wait for the MRI so I wanted to share those with you guys and thank you in advance for your time and thoughts…          

This past Thursday I ran into yet another unequivocally low point in this journey that I have since struggled to recover from.  During my “routine” two week check up with my OB we were unexpectedly part of a conversation between her and the director at the specialist's office who diagnosed Eli (the place we had already decided we would not be returning to).  During the course of that chance conversation I was told that Eli did in fact have a “Classic” malformation due to the missing portion of his brain… Again, time stopped, my ears burned, and my heart rate was out of control.  I questioned my OB as to the fact that this didn’t match even what SHE was told the day of the diagnosis… remember those words “mild and subtle”???? That doesn’t equal a portion of his brain missing!!  She instructed me to speak with the director from then on … I was devastated again but now my frustration was slowly turning to pure anger towards the people at this practice.  All I could think the entire night was that they had many more pictures and live video that they did NOT send with me to the neurosurgeon and they could see, and have known, what is going on with my baby and had NOT told me!!

                Matt decided Friday that I should call and politely demand ALL of the images for Eli regardless of their relevance to the neurosurgeon.  So I did. The front office knew who I was and was expecting my phone call.  She got some information and informed me that the ONLY images/documentation that they had of Eli’s brain were the THREE pictures that we had already received!!! They had NO other pictures or videos and we knew that the neurosurgeon, although he would not rule it out, would also NOT diagnose him with that evidence.  Finally, I breathed a small sigh of relief…But at this point I am learning  to let out less and less relief with my sighs, in hopes that when the next unexpected twist arises I won’t be so incredibly out of breath… I know, not the best strategy, but I’m working on it.

                So where are we right now? … If after reading this entire blog you are confused and wondering what is going on? What is there and what is not there? What do the doctor’s think is to come? And feel like I have been writing in some kind of code to keep you out of the loop… then I have PERFECTLY conveyed how we feel and what we know…  My gut has it’s beliefs but they really aren’t worth sharing just yet because they are just a result of a plethora of confusions at this point…

                What do we need right now?... PRAYER… We are praying specifically that ALL parts of Eli’s Brain are PRESENT… If there is a piece that wasn’t able to be seen 2 weeks ago, we are praying for God to leave his fingerprint on that piece as he helps his brain continue to grow.  We are also praying for “NORMAL” results from the amniocentesis (we still haven’t heard yet).   Even with those two requests that I know are in God’s hands I must also say that our prayer continues for our strength during this journey REGARDLESS of images, test results, and diagnoses…  That we will learn to lean on the Lord for His understanding instead of our own…

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Our Goals...

 

1 Peter 5  (NIV)

⁶Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. ⁷Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

 ⁸Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. ⁹Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings.

 ¹⁰And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. ¹¹To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen

Jeremiah 29:11 (New International Version)

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future

This was supposed to be Proverbs 3:5, but after reading the entire passage the rest is even better!

Proverbs 3

 ¹ My son, don't forget my teaching, but let your heart keep my commands;   ² for they will bring you
    many days, a full life, and well-being. ³ Never let loyalty and faithfulness leave you. Tie them around your neck; write them on the tablet of your heart.  ⁴ Then you will find favor and high regard
    in the sight of God and man. ⁵ Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not rely on your own understanding; ⁶ think about Him in all your ways, and He will guide you on the right paths. ⁷ Don't consider yourself to be wise; fear the LORD and turn away from evil. ⁸ This will be healing for your body
  and strengthening for your bones. ⁹ Honor the LORD with your possessions and with the first produce of your entire harvest; ¹⁰ then your barns will be completely filled, and your vats will overflow with new wine. ¹¹ Do not despise the LORD's instruction, my son, and do not loathe His discipline; ¹² for the LORD disciplines the one He loves, just as a father, the son he delights in.

A Process of Finding Peace... Still Waiting On Answers...

The morning started out tough... Somewhere between exhaustion from not sleeping and constant, consuming anticipation of the next few hours lead to a very nauseated wait.  I tried to decide how to pray and what to pray for and ended up relying on the scripture that so many of you have shared…

We arrived incredibly early with folder and paperwork in hand.  Turns out we wouldn’t be the only parents with this same setup.  Surprisingly, a pediatric neurosurgeon has the LEAST amount of paperwork to fill out compared to any other doctor I have ever been to, which I’ve got to say was actually a nice relief.  The waiting room was our first challenge… It was frightening, and humbling, and encouraging ALL at the same time.  As a mom and her son, who strikingly reminded us of Gabe, sat across from us I whispered to Matt, “I wish I could read minds in here.”  Not more than a couple minutes later she made reference to our folder and “notes” and joked about her collection of the same thing.  Within seconds she had boldly asked me what was going on with our little one.  I was actually relieved, because I wanted to know the exact same thing about her.  I told her what little we know about Eli and she shared a story that surpasses all odds and brought me to praising the Lord right there before we had even heard a snippet about Eli.  I was a little more settled and a little more confident after talking with her and almost felt ready to meet our doctor.

They called us back and we waited only briefly before meeting a very confident but kind Dr. B.  He climbed up on the examining table and chatted about our history and told us about his daughter who was also studying to be a teacher.  He put us at ease immediately by treating us as people, just like him, who simply chose to do a job that was their “passion.” Not really much of a connection between a teacher and a neurosurgeon BUT he simply explained himself as someone who loves coming to work every day. We continued to become more settled… We discussed the confusing/conflicting reports sent from the referring doctor and then it was time to insert the CD with “the” images on them.  After a moment of figuring out how to scroll through the somewhat confusing program they were packed in, he went to click the next button and looked at me as if to ask what he was doing wrong.  I told him there were no more images, only 3.  He responded confused with “That’s it?”  I apologized and told him that I wished that I had more for him to look at, to which he apologized and said he just didn’t want to leave us unanswered again.  Unfortunately, from the pictures there was very little he could determine and he was NOT in the business of guessing based on poor quality pictures.  A malformation was neither ruled out OR in.  What he did speak only briefly of, was some extra cerebral spinal fluid and some dilation of the one ventricle that he could actually see. These were as he state “indicators” of a cyst, but much more confirmation is necessary.  He needs MANY more good quality images to discuss anything further with us and has set in motion plans for us to have a Fetal MRI very soon.  We should hopefully hear something by the end of this week as to the MRI date and time.  From there we will move forward with our understanding of the, right now, unknown.

I feel one of my prayers has already been answered… For the first time I feel as though Eli is in good hands and under the watchful eye of a wise and resourceful doctor.  We will be cancelling our follow-up ultrasound, so our prayers are now directed towards the MRI and the still lingering Amniocentesis results.  Also, we will continue to diligently pray that over the next 5 weeks, anything that needs healing will do so as Eli stays safe in his protection with me.  Please continue to pray for continued wisdom for Dr. B as well. 

We are tired and exhausted from the mere stress of the day and past week… We appreciate and are indebted to each of you who have stopped to pray for Elijah.  Words will never encompass what that actually means to us, but know that each of you are one of the things in this time that we are grateful for…

Neurosurgeon Appointment is Scheduled!!

      Our schedules are filled with a fair amount of “hecticness” and anxiety over the next few weeks.  Our first appointment however, has been scheduled!! Although our anxiety is heavy and will be with each of the next appointments we have and results we receive, we are looking forward to some amount of consistency with the news that we receive and stepping off, if only momentarily, of our roller coaster of ambiguity and conflicting news.

    

        We will meet with Eli's neurosurgeon tomorrow afternoon.  Strangely, the consultation appointments with this awesome group of doctor's is NOT in network for out insurance...??? I know, it's crazy... But we have started the appeal process and found out that thankfully all procedures (which are done in the hospital) ARE considered IN network.  Sheesh, who would have thought stuff could be so confusing!! We have gotten a lot of support and interest from the people we have spoken with at this office and we can hardly wait for appointment tomorrow afternoon...

Please pray for the wisdom and understanding of these doctors as well as our constant cry for Eli's brain to be touched by The True Physician and Healer that is bound to no medical limits or test results.

We are indebted to each of you for including Eli in your prayers and we will keep you posted...

A Hint of Peace and Where all This Began

Day 5 - 10/24/10 8:49pm

      My mornings are my times of uneasiness and writing is how I am trying to handle it which is why some of these posts are hard for even me to follow with the recapping and what not... But, Matt and I are trying to use this page with a dual purpose of keeping those that are supporting us informed while doubling as my outlet.  We think it's easier just to get it out here instead of trying to explain what we really don't know on numerous occasions.

      With that said, today was a day that we needed more than we could ever have known.  It was my first glimpse of peace within our storm and our first experience at sharing what we are working on accepting.  We are blessed beyond measure with a church family who have accepted our request for their prayers and lovingly respected our uncertainty.  Everything from the worship music, to the Sunday School Lesson, to our phenomenal Pastor's message helped in pushing us towards our first hint of peace. And though I am certain that this journey will oscillate in the most extreme range of emotions we will take any amount of peace, by any means, for any amount of time that we can...

       I have been holding off talking about the day this all began in part because... I don't want to think about it (although that is really one of my most consuming thoughts) and thinking it would be "easier" later on.  I know now that is not true, so I will give it my best shot and feel sustained by moving on...

       I had been scheduled for an ultrasound with a specialist after Eli's belly had measured a tad small at my last OB ultrasound.  Frankly, I felt as though I was a pro at this specialist idea because with my other two pregnancies I frequented them from 20 weeks on, just to keep an eye on things.  I had no reason to presume this would be ANY different.  The day before, I had gotten a text about having a great friend of mine go with me if I wanted her to, and originally I didn't want to bother anyone and said "thanks, but it's no big deal..." I later decided it was such a nice offer; I should just take her up on it... I had no idea how important that decision would be.  We arrived in plenty of time and I filled out the mounds of paperwork as lighthearted as ever.  They called me back and I laughed and joked with the tech and we even chatted about how great Eli was looking.  She took all the typical measurements that I had recalled with Gabe and Taylor and told me Eli was growing right on track... After she had finished, she told me that the Doctor may want to look again, which is very typical, so not to get cleaned up yet.  I knew from earlier visits that the Doctor ALWAYS looked again so I sensed nothing out of the ordinary.  The tech re-entered and said she needed a couple more shots.  These were different than I remembered, but still, I thought nothing of it.  She scanned his heart, his aorta, his humorous, his index finger and a couple other things... I just simply enjoyed the time of looking at my precious baby...

Shortly after, Dr. H. entered and sat down... She said his growth looked right on track and I nearly got up to get my stuff, but was stopped by the question, "Is it ok if I share information in front of your friend?"  This was the first thing I didn't recognize.  She went on to say something that included words such as "brain"... "fluid"... "shunt"... "shouldn't be there"... and some others that I have literally blocked out or refuse to use at this point...

       

I can't/won't/don't have to explain the scene that followed on that table. I, somehow during that time, realized that I wasn't supposed to have even been there since his tummy was a fluke and looked fine... I realized that no one was supposed to have come with me that day but by a strange turn of events a God-send had accompanied me.  I realized that God was in this but I had no kind words for Him at that point.  I didn't want to be the special parents or the chosen one for this situation... I just wanted the situation to go away (and still do constantly).  Matt met me and I had no words for him just brokenness as I sat with a medical book trying to understand this situation which continued to be almost out of body.  We were informed by the doctor that with an amniocentesis that resulted as "normal" we would have better care for out little Eli. In a more rational state, we can't believe this was presented to us as such, but at the time that is all we had to hear to agree, and so the day got even worse.

       

They performed the amnio within an hour of us receiving the news... that was one of the scariest things I have ever done in my entire life... and if given the opportunity to choose again, we would have declined... Because now we are thinking with our hearts and with some sense of God's peace and we know that NOTHING will change our fight and our love for beautiful baby Eli.  No information they can tell us will keep this Mama and Daddy from making SURE Eli is in the best hands and it certainly won't change our joy to know he is only 5 weeks away...

        

It was the worst day of my life, and regardless of the outcome of this journey and these tests and doctor's visits... I will never be the same because of it...

Thank you for reading about our Eli and for the time and thought you have already invested... Above all my cry is for everyone who comes across this to pray for him...That his brain is complete, that the fluid will reside, and that a miracle is as certain today as in the days of the prophet himself.

        We will keep you posted as we work through this journey and visit his neurosurgeon, neonatologist, receive the amnio results, and see him again in no more than 3 weeks for an updated ultrasound....

All Of Me... by Matt Hammitt

Although everything is uncertain about what is to come, I came across this song that opened my eyes and brought truth back to my heart... Baby Eli is God's baby as well as ours. We were chosen to be his protectors and providers by none other than the Lord himself. For a short time my heart felt as if it had stoped and could not continue... But fear, and uncertainty, and plans that don't resemble those I had been dreaming of over the last 8 months DO NOT CHANGE TRUTH... And though I shall continue to pray for a miracle as close to without ceasing as humanly possible, nothing will change that he-Eli and He-God will have all of us... He is already complete in our hearts and we simply cannot wait to meet him...

Our Beautiful Baby Eli...

The Events of Friday- Frustration

Still Day 4 Mid Morning-
           This was the morning of exhaustion when I had fallen asleep… I woke up not feeling as peaceful as I had the night before, but in a state of logic, ready to put the steps together almost as if to make the next move of this chess-match from Hell. Who to call first, what information I needed, how to schedule these things, and who needed to know what was going on.  On my list to call was Neurosurgeons, Neonatologists, Pastor, Friends, and of course my Mom.  She starts me out with some consistency that I desperately need when my awesome husband leaves for his job and I am alone.

My first call early that morning was to Dr. H’s nurse, the diagnosing doctor, who didn’t answer- I left a message.  My next call was to the Neurosurgeon’s office – side note… listening to the welcome prompt “Thank you for choosing ??? Pediatric Neurology for your child” I almost had to hang up because I got sick just listening to it – but again no answer – I left a message.  I couldn’t remember the neonatologist’s name so I had to call Dr. Ps office (my OB) to get that info.  The woman that I would end up speaking with the rest of the day from that office would turn out to be another of God’s blessings. She had been in a car accident that left one her children with a brain injury and she knew the frustration, the fear, the anxiety, and all that I was feeling, she truly understood.  And she fought for me and helped me that entire day.  She made phone calls and got people to do things that I could not.  The neurologist’s office returned my phone call fairly quickly and said that they had tried to call and schedule the appointment the previous day, but the phone number that the referring doctor had given wasn’t working… they sent out our old number instead of giving our updated information… they asked if we had plans this afternoon to which I quickly replied "no!" and she said that if I could get my hands on the images taken of Eli she would work on getting me in that afternoon.  I was elated! And scared… So I set things in motion to head to Atlanta. Mom and Dad headed this way, Matt was made aware, and our beloved friend was asked if she could be ready.  Everything was in place and as I waited to hear I began working on getting Eli’s images-not the easiest thing since Dr. H’s nurse STILL hadn’t returned my phone call from early that morning, but I did get great help at the office who had the images and they agreed to get the images ready right after lunch… That was GREAT!

The neurologist called back and said that they still didn’t have everything they needed from the diagnosing doctor, no images and no updated report… I was dumbfounded… I told them I would bring the images and she said it would just be easier to wait until Monday to try and schedule an appointment and hopefully they would have everything together.  I could NOT believe that the people who told me something was wrong with my baby’s brain STILL had NOT done their part in helping me speak with a neurologist and understand what was going on.  I was furious, and upset…again, and so confused.  I picked up the images, called everyone to cancel the plans, and headed home with my babies. 

As if the rest of the day hadn’t been stressful enough I now had in my possession the pictures that had shaken and turned my world inside out.  I had the ability to sit and look at exactly what was going on with my sweet baby Eli’s brain, and everyone knows the internet can be your best friend or your worst nightmare in situations like these.  Nonetheless, I chose to look at them… it was very stressful and I didn’t completely know what to make of it, but I saw THE image that is forever engraved in my mind from Wednesday… the one that was followed with the comment, “That should not be there,” And that was hard, but it brought me back to reality, to a point of working on acceptance, and to the place of humility and brokenness I was at sometime between the 1^st night and the 2^nd day. 

The stress of the last 3 days had began to take a toll on my body, and the on and off contractions I had been having at each unmarked turn of events had actually started to become pretty regular as well as the involuntary chills that my nerves were producing and I began praying that it would all stop and that the day would just go by quickly… and it did and they all stopped, for the time being.

I prayed for FIRE again, for the fluid to reside, for all formations to appear normal, for baby Eli to remain safe inside of me for as long as possible, and for God to have His hand of miracles and peace in our lives…

We are indebted to all who are praying… We know that Elijah was a man of miracles in the days of old and we expect nothing less with our baby Eli, every prayer assuredly counts…

The Events of Thursday- Knocked Down Again

Early Friday Morning -10/22/10  7:38am

                It’s finally Friday… It feels as though between Wednesday and Today HAD to have been more like 2 years instead of 2 days.  Day 2 was… Wow... I could never have imagined how that day would have unfolded.  Taylor and I visited a pumpkin patch with her school, but before we could even get on the road I was SO sick.  Breakfast was a waste for both of us but we trucked on and packed our stuff and headed to the Patch. I think Taylor had a great time and I stayed fairly distracted which was helpful. But, as most people well know, when you see someone you know who is 8 months pregnant one of the easiest conversation starters is “How much longer?” “Are you excited?” “How is everything going?” I dreaded every single conversation with every single person. But we pushed through that as well and thankfully it wasn’t long before we were ready to go home…               

My first attempt at this post was short lived... I was so very exhausted that I ended up simply falling back to sleep in front of my computer. Taylor laid with me and rubbed my head, it was one of the most comforting feelings I have had.  But I want to finish the recap of the rest of our 2^nd day in this foggy nightmare. During the pumpkin patch visit, I arranged an appointment with Dr. P, my OB, to simply get an opinion, an expression, a response… something from another medical professional.  I had brought myself to a place of working to accept Wednesday’s news that my baby has something not right with his brain, BUT it was “mild” “subtle” there was no “cyst” “he may or may not need a shunt.”  These were all words that I was told and though they still make me a little sick to write and recap they are my only source of hope, because there is an antonym of each word that COULD have been used to describe the condition of my sweet Eli that would have changed everything even more.

                As Dr. P entered the waiting area to get myself and my beloved friend, I began to since that she reeked of awkward and uncomfortable-ness but my nerves were maxed out, so I didn’t begin analyzing as I normally would.  Matt arrived as we were gathering and I began the discussion pretty much with a recap of the previous day’s information.  Dr. P offered little to no expounding of the subject and in fact seemed to me, to be preparing us for a worst case scenario, which had started to wear on me mentally.  Eventually as the meeting went in circles and was ready to be ended I asked if I could have a copy of the report on Eli, just to keep for my records. She quickly said “sure” and then the awkward aroma became pungent.  She placed her hand on the paper as if to slide it to me and she physically wilted and began to say… “I was hesitant to tell you exactly what was in this report but before I give it to you I’m going to. The report is not consistent with what you are telling me and actually doesn’t match what my sister (my lead OB) was told yesterday on the phone by Dr. H.  It states... MODERATE to SEVERE and LARGE CYST noted...” …………………...............................................................................................................

Each of those periods represents a breath I could not take, a tear I could not cry, a picture of my precious son I cannot erase, a fury of anger and confusion that I could not vocalize.

I began to involuntarily become cold and shiver. I stared out the window and caught a glimpse of my dear husband’s shock and a flat affect overcame me…. I just stared… Someone mentioned the possibility that the doctor may have “re-examined” the pictures to make a better report and I sunk deeper into my state of non-existence… I believe that I somehow mumbled quietly “This doesn’t make any sense” and just as I was doing so I realized that my beloved friend, and Matt and I’s saving grace, that we had brought with us, had taken the report and read it quickly.  She asked me to look at her and said very boldly, “This doesn’t make sense and I do not believe that this is a description of Eli…”  That was enough to bring me to consciousness and I looked directly at Dr. P and said I DO NOT UNDERSTAND.  She felt the urgency and the seriousness of our situation and began trying to call Dr. H who had diagnosed Eli. Of course she was gone for the day, so she got her cell phone number, and of course she didn’t answer.  We left the office on that note and with that heaviness. Upon leaving, Dr. P asked if we minded if she called anytime that night because she would be retrying Dr. H until she got an answer… that was my only glimmer of hope as we packed up and headed out. Everyone was quiet again, everyone looked defeated, bewildered, and confused and climbing into that quiet truck with my husband was again like blindly walking with him through a desolate fog of unfamiliar and unforgiving terrain. There’s no words for that situation… we had been beaten the day before to an extent we never thought survivable, we had gotten up “brushed ourselves off” only to be blindsided for a SECOND time and with news more grave than the first.  And then the phone rang……………………………………………………………………………………………………….........

That is NOT an exaggeration of the anxiety I felt while waiting for Dr. P to tell me what she had heard.  “Dr. H said that she was VERY sorry and that the report was WRONG… Everything from the previous day still holds true and she did not change her findings after re-examining the images.  She will fix it as soon as she gets home to a computer.”

THE REPORT WAS WRONG!!!!!!!!!!! I was overcome and completely broken down as I hung up the phone and shouted, "THE REPORT WAS WRONG!!!!!" I cried again like I did on the table as I heard the words the first time, that gut wrenching horrid cry that only a mother or a father can cry for a child, that one that no one should ever have to cry… I finally stopped and looked at Matt and patted his back as if to celebrate and kept repeating "THE REPORT WAS WRONG!!!" And then it was his turn to break down… and I knew what he was feeling so I let him get it out.  I called our friend and said "THE REPORT WAS WRONG, THE REPORT WAS WRONG!!"  Her response, “Praise God!!!” and indeed we did…

I need not bore you with all the range of emotions of the rest of that day you can imagine all the possibilities that began to pour through our heads and you can also be sure that some amount of anger and frustration with a group of medical professionals that I TRUSTED was beginning to mount. I slept that night, but not great… I think mostly out of sheer exhaustion.

Thursday Morning - The Beginning of The Day After

10/21/10 6:20 am

                It’s just a Thursday, like every other Thursday for so many people… you know, the day you look forward to because it’s right before Friday… but, it doesn’t really matter what day it is, they’re all kinda the same right now.  Oh, yeah, except for the fact that I have to get up and make this day as great as I can for  my precious babies who have no idea why mommy’s smile has faded a little bit, or at best is forced.  I wake them up with the same sweet kisses as always, it’s just that every single one is coupled with a silent thought now, “why?”  I try to find clothes that should have been washed and realize that somehow I lost an entire day and my little man still has no clean underwear… no guilt because for some reason I still can’t engage in “life.”

                The amount of sleep that I did NOT get last night certainly isn’t helping with the lack of efficiency that I reek of at this point.  I don’t want to get out of bed, I don’t want to go on my baby girl's field trip, I REALLY don’t want my husband to go to work, I don’t want to be alone… and responsible… and act like all this is not happening… I just want to scream, and hit stuff, and cry, and take this out on somebody, make somebody responsible… but where can I possibly look he’s growing inside of me…

                There is that one Thing, that overwhelming uncontrollable Thing that I DON’T want to have, but haven’t figured out how not to… God… That’s really it in a nutshell.  How to handle It, how to not feel angry at Him and then immediately after expect Him to listen to my constant begging of His work in our life…  Pray without ceasing… you’ve heard it, you’ve thought about it, considered what that must look like.  Maybe praying in between meals, at meals, when you go to bed, and few extra in the car… I mean, that’s praying a LOT right?? That’s gotta be what is meant by not ceasing…I can assure you, it is not.  Throughout the night, and somehow even while I was sleeping in short intervals, I stayed in constant connection with the Lord.  Every waking moment for the last 8 hours I have prayed without ceasing. Needless to say, I am exhausted and honestly I am at no more peace… yet.

                What to pray for??? I mean, I don’t even understand what is going on so how do I pray? Of course I prayed for it to just go away, to be a mistake, and over and over why, why, why, why...? But I needed more, I needed to feel connected to this situation, to see some glimpse of Sovereignty. This is honestly, because I need to feel like there is a plan right now that I just cannot see… that this is headed somewhere good, I mean what I really need right now is HOPE.  So where did I end up? At Elijah…

                Elijah Jefferson Mundok, that is a beautiful name for a beautiful boy, but we could have had no idea how much we would need his name to ring true to the man of God we had taken his name from.  Elijah was a prophet surrounded in his day with miracles, both by him and for him, yet I think he would hardly call them such as they were merely acts he never doubted would happen.  One instance of this is on Mt Carmel where words similar to these came out of place of certainty and boldness, “Oh Lord God of Abraham, Isaac, and Israel! Let it be known today that you are God in Israel and that I am your servant, and that I have done all these things at your bidding. ANSWER ME, OH LORD, ANSWER ME, that this people may know that you, oh Lord, are God, and that Thou has turned their heart back again.” And the Lord sent down fire that consumed the offering, the wood, the stones, and the earth; and it licked up the water in the trench. When they saw this, all the people attending fell on their faces and cried out “The Lord alone is God!”

                My prayer... “Send down fire Lord, in a fury and vengeance that mine own understanding fails to comprehend.  Consume all that is not right. Literally, as you did with the water in the trench lick up the fluid that should not be here. And just as you brought the clouds of rain to a starving nation of those that had turned away from you leaving only the perfect mark of Your work and faithfulness, God bring our clouds of rain and wash away ALL that is imperfect leaving Your perfect mark on your Baby Eli… Send down fire Lord, Send down Fire!!!!!! I have fallen already before you Lord and I cry out!!!!!”

                No song sounds quite the same right now, no TV show is quite as entertaining, no smile brings quite as much joy, and no laugh can be mustered up…. I don’t know how long this will last but my feeling is that it will be a coping process. And amidst the breakdowns of anger and fury and helplessness, everything must go on, and it will.  But without ceasing… Bring Down Fire LORD…

                                                                          :'(