It is Good To Remember...
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An excerpt from my post a year and a half ago... He knew I would need this again...
"I wanted to write this before we move any further in our Journey because I will need a reminder of this day and
this understanding. I am fearful that I
will either forget or I will not want to accept this truth… be it this week,
this year, or simply at some time in
this life. I do not want to be humbled
to this point again, ever. I want to
remember, to hold strong, and to maintain this truth.
Faith is not a bargain or a deal. I have struggled with this because in the
deepest recesses of my heart I want to say, “Lord if you will just... make this
go away, heal Eli, make this miracle known… Then I will... tell the world, never
doubt you, trust you, love you, be faithful to you” but where does that leave
room for His Plan and His Will and our relationship if my way is not His? The conditions MUST be removed if I am to
call this Faith. It cannot be “If YOU will… then I will” because what if not? It
must be “Regardless of Your Will… I will” conditions removed create
unconditional. That is what we as humans long for from our own, so how much
greater must our Maker yearn for that from us.
If Gabe came to me and said, “Mom, I know you’ve
done so many things for me. You’ve loved me, you’ve provided for me, you’ve
sacrificed for me, you’ve cried tears I will never understand… for me (and I
have)…and I want to love you because you’ve been great… But I need you to do
this for me. I’m not sure if it’s what’s best for me, but if you don’t do it…
I’m not sure I can trust you anymore, or love you anymore, or have faith that
you will be there for me… Nothing I have for you will be unconditional…” I would be devastated. I would love him No less ,but I would ache for his
unconditional trust and love. And if I
knew that his request was not what was best for him I would deny it and pray for
his quick understanding and return to my arms, all the while broken hearted as I
watched.
Of the few things I have given to my son, I have
given nothing in comparison to His gift of His Son… To know the hurt I would
feel and the patience I would have with my own is incomparable to what He will
feel and have for me… is gut-wrenching.
To think that I hardly know how not to bargain my faith because I
want what I think is best, what is the easiest, and to be in control… has broken
me to a point not to be forgotten. It is as though there is a second part of
salvation that no one made me aware of.
You reach out and you accept His invitation and put away your past and
you think that you have laid it all down, but that is only because at that
moment things seem to be going right. You feel loved, and accepted, and part of
something bigger than before… and you ARE… but that is only the beginning. You walk through some trials and you have
pity for yourself. Sometimes you cry out to God but for the most part you are in
control of the outcomes and if you put enough “work” into the problem the result
is usually a “fix.” Sometimes you offer
God some of the Glory and say your “faith” got you through, but you know truly
that is was YOU who did the work and YOU who overcame and your “faith” was
really in you… because look around , all is becoming well, who couldn’t see the
“faith” in that.
And then that day comes… That day that you realize
you never thought about the other side of your deal. That part about, if this doesn’t go the way
it should, if an alternative is not there, if we don’t come out of this on the
high ground… If HIS Will is NOT what is
“best” for you. Then where is your faith, then where is His Glory? It wasn’t all fake before, but it wasn’t all
laid out either. You still had a few cards hidden away you weren’t willing to
play, because THAT is something different. THAT is FAITH.
As I write this from a place of strength at this
specific moment I can still see about a half card that I am hiding in my sleeve…
I have laid nearly ALL of them out, more than ever before in my life, but this
one seems to be stuck, no matter how hard I insist I want it out. What’s keeping it there? Don’t you already
know? It’s F E A R… fear that this won’t
go the way I WANT it to. Fear, because there is no doubt that I have NO CONTROL
in this. Fear, because I am committing
this situation, my son, to the Lord and I do NOT know what the outcome will be.
I DO know however, that He is my Father in heaven, and just as a child I trusted
my own dad and would have jumped into darkness at the beckon of his call knowing
his hands would be there with endless comfort… How much more than do I know that
my Heavenly Father will be there and how much more than do I know that He will
comfort me and how much more than should I trust Him. I can’t
imagine where I am standing right now; my perspective doesn’t allow me that
view. But He knows, He is calling, and
at this moment I am ready to go.
I don’t know that even tomorrow I won’t be
scrambling to recant this or to get that card back in my sleeve. I do know I
will not always be this sure and this filled. So, as Not To Be Forgotten, I am
hoping that when my fear is too great or when I am too busy in my own “faith” of
the best of times, I can re-read this and remember the discipline to Stop, to hear HIM, and to
Jump recklessly in His direction…
Publishing
this post will be the hardest one yet. Eli's MRI is this afternoon and a lot of
questions will be cleared up, though many will remain. I will re-read this many
times I'm sure, and I pray for our strength to last. Please continue to pray
that God will send down Fire and heal Eli... However, pray also, regardless of
the "results" that all of our cards will be laid out and fear will be overrun by
FAITH...
Jeremiah
29:11 (New International Version)
11
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you
and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.""
