One year ago today, almost to the very moment, I sat in a waiting room filled with mommies-to-be just like myself. Some anxious with the fear painfully seared in their expressions... Some joyful as they left with the news they had been hoping for. Most of us, were just sort of there, rubbing our precious bellies, anticipating the wait to be over and pretending as if our fears didn't really exist. Each of us would not have been in that office had there not been some area of concern with either ourselves or our unborn baby, and still, I managed to shrug off the potential seriousness of my surroundings. I had a history with this practice; I knew how this whole situation worked. I had two other babies that had to be monitored but nothing ever came of any of these visits... just little healthy babies.
On the morning of October 20th, 2010, my dear friend and I sat anxious to see pictures of the precious baby boy that had been growing inside of me for the last 34 1/2 weeks. I could have had no warning or preparation for the news I would receive in the next hour. The baby that I had so recklessly fallen in love with and dreamed of meeting would suddenly be replaced with the idea of something that didn't seem to belong to me. After marveling at the beauty of such miraculous life inside of me... Watching him move his fingers and stretch his toes... Watching him practice breathing and giving him a pep talk for what great work he was doing, I was fairly certain I had caught a little grin through that amazing picture on the screen. And then... Out of nowhere, without a single foreshadowing moment, I was told that my perfect baby boy had an area of darkness in his brain because a very important piece of it was missing. The words from the Dr continued in an attempt to help me understand that this finding went along with the extra fluid that had collected at the base of his brain and the dilation that was clearly evident in his ventricles...
I don't remember the one thought or what exactly went through my mind at that moment... About a million thoughts I’m sure, but all that escaped my body was a rush of fear and a broken, sobbing, resemblance of myself sat on that table. I know that many of the thoughts I do remember having may sound harsh but they are the truth... I didn't want to be the special parent... I didn't want God or anyone for that matter to think that I was smart enough or kind enough or loving enough to handle this situation. The baby that I had been dreaming of vanished almost instantly from my mind and this vague slideshow of possibilities began to circulate as a replacement... I didn't know if he would walk, or talk, or look "normal"... I didn't know if my first moments of time with him would include him being rushed away or having his tiny little body cut into and tubes placed in his brain... I didn't know if we would be purchasing special car seats and special wheelchairs... what kind of school we would have to find, and where we would get the money for all of this and how I would care for a child for the rest of my life... How I would answer to all those that said our family was just fine with my first two beautiful babies, "should have left well enough alone..." I could not imagine why God had done this to ME... Everything in those moments was about ME... Some may say, I had a right to be so self-centered due to the shocking news, but it's ok to call it what it is, I was only thinking about myself, not my baby, and certainly not My God. What few thoughts I had towards God were pure anger. Fear had already begun to control me...
The Lord had given me a God-Send that day and she helped me to focus, made me think about my baby once more, and my vision slowly began to change. That night I began making peace with God and it would take the next few days for me to come to terms with the situation, BUT I have never experienced such peace in my entire life. I felt like the world had been lifted from my shoulders and that I could take on ANYthing that dared cross my path. Matt and I found a closeness that cannot be explained and we surrendered our unborn child to God and began putting the old pieces of our life into our new perspective. God's Glory has never shown so bright in our lives as in those dark days, and such it seems are His ways ;)
There were plenty of moments spent broken down in the shower or while listening to a song on the radio but each and everyone was conquered by His Peace and truth that He gave to us... He helped me to work through my fears and begin to re-introduce myself to my precious baby. I now saw my Elijah as God's baby that I would have the honor of mothering, no matter what that entailed, while he was here on this earth. I knew that God had made him perfect and that none of my sadness and disappointments were going to change whatever plan the Lord had for each of our lives, and only He could know how it must be.
Matt Hammit, The lead singer of Sanctus Real, had an encounter with his unborn son, baby Bowen J, that lead him to create an album that was only recently released. But I listened to many of his songs from his blog while he was writing them and found great comfort in his honest testimony of fear and uncertainty. I identified with SO many of his feelings. He will never know the closeness that he helped me feel with the Lord, but whomever may be reading this, I want you to know that whatever story God has given you, it is yours for a reason. Go and be His light and voice even if you think no one is listening. Because though you may not know those that you touch, they just may come to know Him, and there can be no greater reward that I can think of.
My sweet baby Eli has been sick for the last couple of weeks and my happy smiling boy has been fussy while fighting teeth, and a cold, and who knows what else. And though there are nights when I don't sleep and moments I’m ready for his daddy to be home ;), I count each one as gain. Every lost hour in the night, every precious kiss I place on his forehead, every outing I have to miss, and every smile I am blessed to see... In every single day I am reminded of what God can do. One year later, my precious baby is lying in his crib sound asleep. Every piece of his brain is intact and the fluid has resided. He can babble, he can crawl, he can almost walk, and he speaks to my heart with every smile. He is truly our Miracle Baby. Life has gotten busy and there are moments when His Greatness has fallen to the back of my mind but I will forever remember that day and make a point to remind myself that it was real. Because even though our hopes and dreams fell into the will that He had for us this time, there will always be moments where we must let go in faith and trust the One who made us for Himself. Knowing that we are His children and All that He does, in ways we may not understand, is to bring us closer to Him in His Fullness and Love and Peace... And I for one can tell you that once you are there, on this side of heaven, there is no greater place to be.
~Much Love to each of you and thanks for your prayers and love to our family
Brittany
