10/21/10 6:20 am
It’s just a Thursday, like every other Thursday for so many people… you know, the day you look forward to because it’s right before Friday… but, it doesn’t really matter what day it is, they’re all kinda the same right now. Oh, yeah, except for the fact that I have to get up and make this day as great as I can for my precious babies who have no idea why mommy’s smile has faded a little bit, or at best is forced. I wake them up with the same sweet kisses as always, it’s just that every single one is coupled with a silent thought now, “why?” I try to find clothes that should have been washed and realize that somehow I lost an entire day and my little man still has no clean underwear… no guilt because for some reason I still can’t engage in “life.”
The amount of sleep that I did NOT get last night certainly isn’t helping with the lack of efficiency that I reek of at this point. I don’t want to get out of bed, I don’t want to go on my baby girl's field trip, I REALLY don’t want my husband to go to work, I don’t want to be alone… and responsible… and act like all this is not happening… I just want to scream, and hit stuff, and cry, and take this out on somebody, make somebody responsible… but where can I possibly look he’s growing inside of me…
There is that one Thing, that overwhelming uncontrollable Thing that I DON’T want to have, but haven’t figured out how not to… God… That’s really it in a nutshell. How to handle It, how to not feel angry at Him and then immediately after expect Him to listen to my constant begging of His work in our life… Pray without ceasing… you’ve heard it, you’ve thought about it, considered what that must look like. Maybe praying in between meals, at meals, when you go to bed, and few extra in the car… I mean, that’s praying a LOT right?? That’s gotta be what is meant by not ceasing…I can assure you, it is not. Throughout the night, and somehow even while I was sleeping in short intervals, I stayed in constant connection with the Lord. Every waking moment for the last 8 hours I have prayed without ceasing. Needless to say, I am exhausted and honestly I am at no more peace… yet.
What to pray for??? I mean, I don’t even understand what is going on so how do I pray? Of course I prayed for it to just go away, to be a mistake, and over and over why, why, why, why...? But I needed more, I needed to feel connected to this situation, to see some glimpse of Sovereignty. This is honestly, because I need to feel like there is a plan right now that I just cannot see… that this is headed somewhere good, I mean what I really need right now is HOPE. So where did I end up? At Elijah…
Elijah Jefferson Mundok, that is a beautiful name for a beautiful boy, but we could have had no idea how much we would need his name to ring true to the man of God we had taken his name from. Elijah was a prophet surrounded in his day with miracles, both by him and for him, yet I think he would hardly call them such as they were merely acts he never doubted would happen. One instance of this is on Mt Carmel where words similar to these came out of place of certainty and boldness, “Oh Lord God of Abraham, Isaac, and Israel! Let it be known today that you are God in Israel and that I am your servant, and that I have done all these things at your bidding. ANSWER ME, OH LORD, ANSWER ME, that this people may know that you, oh Lord, are God, and that Thou has turned their heart back again.” And the Lord sent down fire that consumed the offering, the wood, the stones, and the earth; and it licked up the water in the trench. When they saw this, all the people attending fell on their faces and cried out “The Lord alone is God!”
My prayer... “Send down fire Lord, in a fury and vengeance that mine own understanding fails to comprehend. Consume all that is not right. Literally, as you did with the water in the trench lick up the fluid that should not be here. And just as you brought the clouds of rain to a starving nation of those that had turned away from you leaving only the perfect mark of Your work and faithfulness, God bring our clouds of rain and wash away ALL that is imperfect leaving Your perfect mark on your Baby Eli… Send down fire Lord, Send down Fire!!!!!! I have fallen already before you Lord and I cry out!!!!!”
No song sounds quite the same right now, no TV show is quite as entertaining, no smile brings quite as much joy, and no laugh can be mustered up…. I don’t know how long this will last but my feeling is that it will be a coping process. And amidst the breakdowns of anger and fury and helplessness, everything must go on, and it will. But without ceasing… Bring Down Fire LORD…
:'(
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