It is Good To Remember...

Not To Be Forgotten, A Note To Myself...

An excerpt from my post a year and a half ago... He knew I would need this again...

"I wanted to write this before we move any further in our Journey because I will need a reminder of this day and this understanding. I am fearful that I will either forget or I will not want to accept this truth… be it this week, this year, or simply at some time in this life. I do not want to be humbled to this point again, ever. I want to remember, to hold strong, and to maintain this truth.

 

Faith is not a bargain or a deal. I have struggled with this because in the deepest recesses of my heart I want to say, “Lord if you will just... make this go away, heal Eli, make this miracle known… Then I will... tell the world, never doubt you, trust you, love you, be faithful to you” but where does that leave room for His Plan and His Will and our relationship if my way is not His? The conditions MUST be removed if I am to call this Faith. It cannot be “If YOU will… then I will” because what if not? It must be “Regardless of Your Will… I will” conditions removed create unconditional. That is what we as humans long for from our own, so how much greater must our Maker yearn for that from us.

If Gabe came to me and said, “Mom, I know you’ve done so many things for me. You’ve loved me, you’ve provided for me, you’ve sacrificed for me, you’ve cried tears I will never understand… for me (and I have)…and I want to love you because you’ve been great… But I need you to do this for me. I’m not sure if it’s what’s best for me, but if you don’t do it… I’m not sure I can trust you anymore, or love you anymore, or have faith that you will be there for me… Nothing I have for you will be unconditional…” I would be devastated. I would love him No less ,but I would ache for his unconditional trust and love. And if I knew that his request was not what was best for him I would deny it and pray for his quick understanding and return to my arms, all the while broken hearted as I watched.

Of the few things I have given to my son, I have given nothing in comparison to His gift of His Son… To know the hurt I would feel and the patience I would have with my own is incomparable to what He will feel and have for me… is gut-wrenching. To think that I hardly know how not to bargain my faith because I want what I think is best, what is the easiest, and to be in control… has broken me to a point not to be forgotten. It is as though there is a second part of salvation that no one made me aware of. You reach out and you accept His invitation and put away your past and you think that you have laid it all down, but that is only because at that moment things seem to be going right. You feel loved, and accepted, and part of something bigger than before… and you ARE… but that is only the beginning. You walk through some trials and you have pity for yourself. Sometimes you cry out to God but for the most part you are in control of the outcomes and if you put enough “work” into the problem the result is usually a “fix.” Sometimes you offer God some of the Glory and say your “faith” got you through, but you know truly that is was YOU who did the work and YOU who overcame and your “faith” was really in you… because look around , all is becoming well, who couldn’t see the “faith” in that.

And then that day comes… That day that you realize you never thought about the other side of your deal. That part about, if this doesn’t go the way it should, if an alternative is not there, if we don’t come out of this on the high ground… If HIS Will is NOT what is “best” for you. Then where is your faith, then where is His Glory? It wasn’t all fake before, but it wasn’t all laid out either. You still had a few cards hidden away you weren’t willing to play, because THAT is something different. THAT is FAITH.

As I write this from a place of strength at this specific moment I can still see about a half card that I am hiding in my sleeve… I have laid nearly ALL of them out, more than ever before in my life, but this one seems to be stuck, no matter how hard I insist I want it out. What’s keeping it there? Don’t you already know? It’s F E A R… fear that this won’t go the way I WANT it to. Fear, because there is no doubt that I have NO CONTROL in this. Fear, because I am committing this situation, my son, to the Lord and I do NOT know what the outcome will be. I DO know however, that He is my Father in heaven, and just as a child I trusted my own dad and would have jumped into darkness at the beckon of his call knowing his hands would be there with endless comfort… How much more than do I know that my Heavenly Father will be there and how much more than do I know that He will comfort me and how much more than should I trust Him.  I can’t imagine where I am standing right now; my perspective doesn’t allow me that view. But He knows, He is calling, and at this moment I am ready to go.

I don’t know that even tomorrow I won’t be scrambling to recant this or to get that card back in my sleeve. I do know I will not always be this sure and this filled. So, as Not To Be Forgotten, I am hoping that when my fear is too great or when I am too busy in my own “faith” of the best of times, I can re-read this and remember the discipline to Stop, to hear HIM, and to Jump recklessly in His direction…

Publishing this post will be the hardest one yet. Eli's MRI is this afternoon and a lot of questions will be cleared up, though many will remain. I will re-read this many times I'm sure, and I pray for our strength to last. Please continue to pray that God will send down Fire and heal Eli... However, pray also, regardless of the "results" that all of our cards will be laid out and fear will be overrun by FAITH...

Jeremiah 29:11 (New International Version)

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.""