Now What…?
It is surprising how difficult it has been to “digest” or internalize our latest news. I think we are still holding our breath, or maybe our shock is starting to set in, or maybe… I don’t know exactly. I know what we do have in common is, that right now words are still short and nothing is better than an embrace that speaks all that our minds cannot. I could simply hug Matt all day long I would feel as though I had spoken everything and know that he understood.
We went Wednesday afternoon (11/03) to have the MRI of Eli. It was an interesting ride to the hospital. I had done well that day spiritually so I was somewhat calm and Matt was doing well as well. We had a conversation about the possibilities and the truth that one of them would bring. The Lord had blanketed us with Peace that ride I AM SURE, because we simply held onto each other and walked through the hospital doors with our heads held high. We knew that we had not been defeated by this regardless of what was about to be known.
I cannot say enough about the Children’s Hospital Staff. They were so great to work with and even settled some last minute nerves with us. They pretty much held our hands the whole way. The MRI was not the most pleasant experience of my life. I am evidently a little more claustrophobic than I realized :/ and that tunnel is SMALL! But the stress passed and I worked on getting focused to pray and just be connected to the Lord. Out of NO where she turns on some music for my “relaxing pleasure” I suppose, and it is a medley of Pink, Katy Perry, T.I., … LoL… Sheesh! I just chuckled, rolled my eyes, and told God “We may have to talk later.” Surprisingly though, I started to be able to tell when she was taking the pictures, which were in short intervals, and I was actually more than able to focus and pray especially while she was getting the images.
After just under a half hour it was over and we were getting ready to head out. The head of the MRI department had already agreed to give us a disk of the images and he hadn’t forgotten. He handed it to Matt, walked us out, and wished us the most sincere “Good Luck,” it actually brought tears to my eyes just to hear it. Having that disk was like having “the box” or something. Part of us wished we didn’t have it and the other part of us wanted to look at it immediately. We made it home after picking up our babies and finished baths and homework as if “the disk” weren’t stalking us… but they were. Eventually, the babies were down and we decided to watch some TV to relax and then make a decision about looking at the images. I hadn’t so much as sat on the couch before I was creeping to boot the computer up and work my way “casually” to the kitchen to by “chance” come across the disk. I quietly brought it back and Matt quickly realized what I was doing. He asked was I ready… and I said, yes.
I had done enough research to know what I was looking for but also to know that there is a reason neurosurgeons go to school FOREVER… that stuff is very confusing. The disk loaded and it was time to click on “view images.” I was literally shaking as I figured out how to scroll through the images. Then the 1st one… was that it? Did I see it?... then another one… I think that’s it!? Then Google Images… That’s gotta be it! I told Matt, I’m nearly positive that is it. I don’t know if it’s big enough or if it’s the formed completely, but that’s gotta be it… we both clicked through the images and we began to breath again.
The next morning I took the images to our “God-Send” friend, that had taken every step of this journey with us, so that I could ramble to her about what I “thought” I was looking at and we could compare notes on something we didn’t really know a whole lot about. (We were really just keeping busy in a pseudo-efficient way until “the call” came from the neurosurgeon himself) No more than 5 minutes after loading the pictures and beginning our chit chat, the phone rang… the display said NEUROSURGEON… I knew this was him. He very mildly introduced himself and explained he had just reviewed the MRI and my baby did NOT show signs of a brain malformation!!! Specifically not the diagnosis we were given. He did have some fluid and ventricles measuring larger than normal but nothing he was concerned with “at this time.” I broke down in elation/frustration/exhaustion. The day went on like usual and as the time passed I began to slowly digest/ over-analyze his words. I started to wonder why he didn’t mention the particular part of his brain and say it was “normal,” why we needed to go back, how the fluid was getting there and what impact that would have on Eli.
For whatever reason I could NOT let myself simply trust or believe this was all over. After relaying this information to my OB they told me that since we now had to conflicting diagnoses, I needed to visit a different perinatal specialist to figure out what to do now…
The following week was sort of like slow motion. We were headed in the right direction, but we just couldn’t seem to get there fast enough… So they waiting continued and our “celebration” stayed subtle as we held our breaths a little while longer.
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